


A Checklist Of Firsts

by Live



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Eventually Requited Crush/Love, Fighting Each Other, Fights, First Meetings, Fluff and Angst, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Unrequited Crush, fighting heartless, strifehartvalentines2018, until it's not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-21
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-03-21 23:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13751136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Live/pseuds/Live
Summary: -First Meeting [x]-First Crush [x]-First Fight [x]-First Requited Love [?]





	A Checklist Of Firsts

**Author's Note:**

> Saw the Valentines event/themes for Strifehart on Tumblr and quickly whipped something together for it~ hope you like <3

The first time Squall had seen Cloud, Cloud had been a nervous boy of four. His hands had clenched harsh fists into the bottom of his shirt and his blonde spikes flinched with Cloud’s sporadic movements. He had been looking for someone. Squall has assumed he was lost, he hadn’t seen Cloud on that side of Radiant Garden before and with the way his hair stood out, Squall’s pretty sure he would have taken note of him at that point.

Squall has been with Rinoa. She had always been quick to smile, quick to help; quick to figure out when Squall was distracted. And he was distracted, because there was a tiny blonde boy who looked so incredibly lost and no adult was even sparing him a second glance. Rinoa had stopped explaining what the new trick she had taught her dog was, for a few good minutes now in fact, but Squall was none the wiser. Her eyes scanned the general direction Squall was looking in: trying to figure out what he was fixated on.

“Is he lost?” She had asked.

“Don’t know,” he had replied, even though he was pretty sure the kid was.

“Let’s help!” She had grabbed his arm and marched them both over, smile wide on her face as always. “Hey! Are you ok?”

Cloud had backed away from them instantly, giving the both of them weary looks. His hands clenched his shirt so hard, Squall was surprised he wasn’t tearing it to pieces.

“I’m fine,” he said (and that was the first thing Squall ever heard Cloud say. He hadn’t enjoyed hearing the words then and he definitely didn’t like hearing them now. Cloud was always such a liar about his own health). 

“Are you sure?” Rinoa had asked, catching onto the lie as Squall had (Squall doubts there’s anyone alive who believes Cloud when he says “I’m fine”).

Cloud’s eyes narrowed as they focused on the ground. Clearly with great reluctance, Cloud had opened his mouth to say- well whatever he was going to say (and Squall would bet it would be something dismissive or unsavoury) was interrupted by a loud voice.

“Cloud!” Blonde hair bounced as Cloud looked up and Squall was lead to believe that it was the boy’s name (it was the first time he had heard Cloud’s name and at the time he hadn’t thought it had suited the kid. He wasn’t exactly what child Squall thought clouds would be like- soft and cottony and wonderful to sleep on- and Cloud wasn’t anything like that description- past or present. Sure Squall nowadays could see Cloud suiting his name in the way he could block out the sun in one of his dark moods or could surprise you with either a spot of sunlight or rain if he was up to it, but really Squall wouldn’t say the name suited him, it was more there was nothing else to call him by: so it stuck).

The boy who had called Cloud was about the same age as Squall and Rinoa. His face had a grin that was threatening to run off his face and black spikes similar to Cloud’s, but tameable. He reached them all in a matter of moments and threw an arm across Cloud’s shoulders. Cloud leaned into the older boy and a small smile sneaked across his face (thinking on it… that was the first time Squall had seen Cloud smile. He hadn’t known then what rare treasure Cloud’s smiles were. If he did he probably would have seared the image into his mind. As it was to young Squall’s mind it wasn’t anything of note, so he ignored it. Leaving Squall in later years to figure out if it was one of Cloud’s secretive smiles, that could make anyone blush from how precious they were, or one of his happy smiles, that could make anyone cry for how rare they were. The first Cloud smile Squall witnessed would be a mystery for the rest of his life, but he’s sure it was a sight to behold, the kind of sight he had always struggled to admire).

“Who are your friends?” The black haired boy had said. 

“They’re not,” Cloud had answered, in that blunt way that was kind of cute as a child, but was annoying (if not a little appreciated) as an adult.

“We thought he was lost,” Rinoa explained. “Wanted to make sure he was ok.”

“What are you doing out here?” Cloud was asked, his friend blinking in their surroundings. It was like Squall thought, Cloud hadn’t been to this area of Radiant Gardens much- if at all. 

“Playing hide n seek with Aerith,” he answered, his eyes (which child Squall had noted were a blinding blue, lacking the toxic green that plagued his eyes in the future, almost like the clearest sky: another contradiction to his name) darting around to find his friend.

“Aerith wouldn’t hide out here,” Cloud was reassured by his friend. Cloud found it anything but reassuring.

“She’s not anywhere else! I looked in all her usual spots!” Cloud had growled. It was the kind of tone Squall knew nowadays meant Cloud was frustrated that he knew something and didn’t know how to explain it in a way anyone would listen to, at the time Squall just thought it sounded bratty.

“I’ll help you look,” Rinoa offered, with her usual smile, before anyone else.

“Really?” Cloud had grumbled, clearly thinking he was going to have to find Aerith on his own. 

“Of course,” Rinoa reassured. Cloud took this to mean he could grab Rinoa’s arm and tug her along after him. She allowed him, with a grin shot back at Squall.

“Hurry up!” Cloud had demanded of Rinoa and she complied. It was that, that seemed to knock Cloud’s friend out of his stupor.

“Oi, wait Spikey! I’m helping too,” Cloud turned to wait for his friend, before turning to Squall who hadn’t moved to help at all.

“Are you coming too?” Cloud had asked, all childish confidence that had to be a falsehood seeing as what they were up against only moments before.

“Yeah, Squall,” Rinoa had teased. “You coming?”

“Sure,” Squall has sighed in that disinterested way he did as a child. That was the first word he had said to Cloud, and he would proceed to say it a hundred more times to Cloud. 

———

Their first reunion (and there would be a fair few) had been ugly. 

They had stayed friends in Radiant Garden after that first meeting. Squall had found Aerith hiding in a barrel of flowers, her giggling grin had lit up the entire street as he pulled her out of her hiding spot. There had been no way Squall could avoid being their friends after Aerith had dubbed him so. In the years they’d hung out with him, Cloud felt he had started to understand him, so he was shocked when he met Squall again and how different the man was (and he was a man in Cloud’s eyes. Cloud was barely 15 at the time and Squall was 18 and that age had seen impenetrable, though Cloud didn’t realise why- not yet). 

Cloud had been walking the streets of Traverse Town, it was a mock of what would later become regular patrols, but at the time it was all Cloud could do to help. Yuffie was too small to do much of anything, Cid was scrapping by with whatever jobs he was able to get to sustain them and Aerith was busy learning how to heal. All Cloud was good for was whacking things, so that’s what he was doing- looking for heartless to whack.

It was there, surrounded by a dozen or so heartless, that Cloud re-met Squall. Squall had jumped in with a yell of “duck” that Cloud had blindly obeyed and was gifted with two heartless being slashed in half. Cloud hadn’t realised his surprise ally was Squall at the time, it could have been any random fighter from any destroyed world, but Squall was not a fighter, so he had no reason to suspect.

Cloud was surprised how well he was able to sync up with the supposed stranger. He had only fought side by side with Zack, or fought with Aerith or Yuffie at his side as support, but each of them knew how the other worked. They’d had years of practise. This stranger he (thought) he didn’t know. But if Cloud feigned right to confuse the dull-witted heartless (that could be confused), it didn’t confuse or mess his ally’s momentum. If Cloud pulled Zack’s buster sword high in the air and let in rain down in a powerful strike, his ally knew how to avoid and take advantage of the heartless stunned. And although Cloud’s attention never shifted from the heartless he couldn’t help but catch glimpses of red, brown and black; glimpses of leather and fur, glimpses of lions.

The last heartless bubbled away around Zack’s buster blade, that Cloud had thrusted deep into the ink like creatures. Their beady yellow eyes being the last thing to fade, leaving an impression of dead eyes judging his every action. Cloud was fine to let them judge, they had taken his home first.

“You know that’s not how you should use a sword like that?” The voice of his ally called out, a distinctly male voice.

“It works,” Cloud rebukes, swinging the heavy blade, easily, onto his back. He turns, to thank or bemoan his ally he can’t remember, but neither happen when he catches the man who had helped him.

The man may have been taller than he was all those years ago, he may have a scar that stretches far across his face and he may be swinging an odd looking blade around, but this was undoubtedly Squall Leonhart. The man smirks at him, as though he’s aware of Cloud’s conflicting thoughts on the man before him. It’s a smirk Cloud is unfamiliar with.

“I never thought you’d be able to pick that sword up,” Squall comments breezily, as though this was a planned meeting.

Cloud shrugs dumbly not sure what to say and even if he wasn’t dumbfounded he wouldn’t know what to say. It’s not like he can talk about the voice that calls to him from the darkness, the voice that makes him both stronger and weaker with every word. It’s not like he can stand explaining the promise Zack had made him before disappearing off never to be seen again. 

Squall seems to understand, though Cloud doesn’t know how much Squall understands… He’s a little scared to know how much, because instead of demanding any kind of verbal response he smiles softly and breaches the distance. 

Cloud is pulled into a hug.

It’s the first time Squall’s hugged him, Cloud might even go further and say it’s the first time Squall’s even touched him. Squall has never been much for tactile affections in the past, the most Cloud can recall if a pat to Aerith’s head or Rinoa giddily holding his hand or arm. Cloud and he hadn’t needed that, Cloud had more than enough physical affection from Aerith and Zack and his Mother. He and Squall had shared silent companionship for when everyone else was being just this side of too loud. 

So, this is new, but what else is new is the way Cloud feels his cheeks burning up. Squall’s arms are muscular now, they had always been stick thin when Squall was younger. He had never been interested in joining Zack or Cloud when they were practicing sword fighting, he would silently regard them instead, never joining them is their bruise inducing games, but now... those muscular arms held Cloud in an embrace that was secure and Cloud wouldn’t mind resting in it forever. The voice in the darkness mocks him for that, making him stronger and weaker, he pulls out of the embrace. Looks away.

“Come on,” Cloud grumbles. “The others will moan if they heard I didn’t take you to them instantly.”

And although Cloud can tell Squall wants to ask “others?”, probably dying to know who survived and how well they were, Squall asks instead “are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Cloud dismisses and starts heading towards their makeshift home. Squall falls in line.

“Sure,” Squall responds. Cloud’s unsure how sincere it is, but he’s just glad he doesn’t have someone else to insist he’s fine to. 

And their first reunion is ugly in the way it’ll define the rest of their existence together: fighting, always fighting. And their first reunion is messy, because the darkness notices Cloud’s crush (his first crush) before he does.

The darkness chuckles. Cloud grows stronger and weaker.

———

The first time they meet Sephiroth the small amount of peace they’ve discovered is shattered. Its world crumbling, although this time not literally. Traverse Town is still standing afterwards. 

Squall thinks Sephiroth plans for that, thinks Sephiroth finds it more amusing to keep Traverse Town unharmed so Cloud will have to struggle with the idea that he’s a danger to their temporary (Squall insists) home. Leaves it standing to mock Cloud, because there was nothing they could do against Sephiroth back then. Make Cloud doubt what’s important to him, after all Sephiroth wants to destroy everything important to Cloud and he didn’t touch the place he called home for almost a decade.

“Cloud!” Aerith called, her voice near desperate, which should startle Squall out of his shock. No one knew Cloud as well as Aerith, if she was reacting like this then Cloud was going to do something stupid.

Cloud runs. No one chases after him. Aerith, because Sephiroth sliced through Cid’s side and she was busy healing him. Yuffie, because she’s still young and terrified and doesn’t understand what’s going on. Squall, Leon now, because he’s not sure Cloud wants to see him right now. 

The following week is Cloud-less. The man, and Squall realises with a start that Cloud is a man now... he’s twenty, hardly younger than Squall at all; is nowhere to be seen. Asking any shopkeeper brings them the same response: Cloud hasn’t visited. The food Aerith insists on making for Cloud remains uneaten and it’s only when Cid is fully healed that they have any idea where Cloud could have gone.

One of the gummi ships is missing.

It doesn’t necessarily mean Cloud’s gone for good, doesn’t necessarily mean Cloud was the one who took it, but they all know. Cloud is gone.

It’s the first time Leon’s felt so useless. Sure, when he was Squall and they lost Radiant Garden he felt useless, but there was a solution for that. He had ways to redeem that situation. Here... well what was he meant to do? Some creature of darkness, which bragged about being Cloud’s darkness, comes along and claims to know exactly how Cloud feels about everyone- and shares those intimate details! Would it be cruel to feign ignorance? Would it be pity to try and reciprocate those feelings? Would it be a kindness to leave Cloud on his own?

Squall doesn’t know. And because of this- because of Sephiroth!- he won’t have a chance to figure out the best response. Won’t be able to figure out how deep Cloud’s supposed feelings go. Though, the way Cloud fled leaves little room for any doubts.

It’s the first confession between them. It doesn’t leave anyone feeling good (other than Sephiroth. Sephiroth who feeds of off Cloud’s conflict).

———

The first time they fight, and it’s different from any other fight they have in the future- those kind of fights that are filled with snarky words and underlying concern for each other. This is the first and only time they fight against each other with actual blades that are willing to cut flesh and hurt each other. 

Cloud’s unsure why they’re willing to actually hurt each other this time. Maybe it’s because of the darkness Cloud’s wearing like a thick woollen coat in the middle of winter, or maybe it’s because the darkness has been laughing mocking words about how hated and unlovable he is. Maybe it’s because there’s so much pent-up frustration and just fed up of it they’re releasing it on someone they know can take it. Whatever the reason Cloud tears into the flesh of Leon’s left arm, if it were anyone else Leon would have been impaled through the chest. Whatever his reason Leon clips Cloud’s shoulder, and if Cloud was anyone else he would have lost an arm. Bullets Leon aim at him are deflected, except those odd lucky shots that graze him. Leon’s forced to keep his distance due to Cloud’s larger reach, except those odd daring moments when he risked coming closer only to get batted back with the flat of Cloud’s blade.

They fight.

And they fight.

And they fight. 

Until their sweat falls heavily into their vision (impairing themselves). Until their ears are ringing from the sounds of metal clashing viciously (impairing themselves). Until their chests ache from the large heaving breaths they have to pull in (impairing themselves). 

“Are you done?” Yuffie asks from the side, sitting with her legs folded on the floor.

Cloud tightens his grip on the buster sword. He’s resorted to having to lift the blade up with both hands, the muscles in his arms and shoulders having long since begged him to stop. His knees rest bent and a little more than a shoulders width apart, cushioning and keeping his body balanced. He’s willing to continue the fight if-

“Yeah,” Leon huffs, with some difficulty- his chest hasn’t stopped heaving. The man runs his hand through his hair. There’s a slight tremor in his hands as he holds his sweat drenched hair out of his face and grips his gunblade in a way that’s unnaturally tight. “We’ll forfeit.”

So, Cloud wins the coliseum’s battle, but he hasn’t won any battle with Leon, for as soon as it’s announced Cloud’s won he’s forcefully dragged out of the arena. Yuffie grumbling as she pushes at his back.

“You two are so gross,” she sniffs, offended. “My hands are going to smell like your gross sweat for weeks!”

“You could let go,” Cloud says briskly.

Leon snorts. “Unlikely.” His hand, the one that had been trying to sort his hair out, joins Yuffie’s on Cloud’s back. It’s still trembling. 

“Yeah!” Yuffie chirps. “You two are going to shower, I’m going to disinfect my hand and then you’re coming home with us!”

Cloud doesn’t go home with them. Yuffie ends up heading back on her own, Leon staying behind with Cloud. Cloud doesn’t understand why, the darkness had promised him Leon would be disgusted with him. Now the darkness whispers that Leon must be here to keep an eye on him, to make sure he’s not a risk to anyone, because even Cloud knows he’s a risk. A danger. After all he’s still getting stronger and weaker every time the darkness finds him. 

Cloud wonders just how much stronger and weaker he can get- how much stronger and weaker the darkness was trying to make him.

“Are you alright?” Leon asks him out of the blue one day. They had been in the middle of the coliseum’s arena. Leon insisted on joining forces with Cloud for the time being.

Cloud can feel a stinging pain ricocheting through his left leg. He had taken the hit to guard Leon’s back, he’s sure Leon hadn’t noticed. He manoeuvres to hide the slight tear in his trousers. “I’m fine.”

“Sure,” Leon had snorted before Cloud was engulfed in a Cura spell. His skin knits back together, a strong Cura spell then. There’s no scar or mark to indicate he had been wounded, only the slight exhaustion that accompanies such a spell.

Leon leaves to return to Traverse Town after they finish their current set at the Coliseum. Cloud doesn’t see him off. Leon doesn’t leave with more than a nod. The darkness laughs.

He doesn’t care! It laughs. He never has! It cheers. He doesn’t return your feelings! It sneers. He has better things to do than help you. It’s giddy.

And although Cloud doesn’t notice it, it’s the first time he doesn’t get stronger and weaker when the darkness contacts him. It’s the first time he’s felt vaguely normal for a long time. He continues in this same way, crushing endless heartless after endless heartless, a never ending battle that he doubts he’ll ever be free of, until- 

Cid arrives.

There had been a time when he had called him Uncle Cid. Cid had been his mother’s friend long before Cloud had been born, and the man had acted the disgruntled elder figure in Cloud’s life since before Cloud’s first breath. Crass and caring were the two most prominent words when describing Cid.

“Get your ass in here,” Cid gestures to the gummi ship, as though Cloud needed the extra direction. In the past Cloud would have fumbled all over the place to follow Cid’s orders, but he finds himself hesitating in front of the man.

“I’m glad you’re alive,” Cloud informs him.

“Like that little bit of darkness you have could off me,” Cid snorts. And Cloud smiles (the first time in years). 

He’s shoved, forcefully, into the gummi ship and brought, not so forcefully, home after that.

It’s good to be back, he thinks as Aerith eagerly greets him, as Leon and Yuffie’s voices echo throughout the castle. Cid hasn’t left his side. 

It’s the first time Cloud hasn’t heard the darkness in years.

———

The first time Leon realises he finds Cloud attractive, he’s frustrated. So very, very frustrated.

When Sephiroth played those mind games on Cloud that first time, and Leon’s willing to bet Sephiroth’s done it plenty of times since, Leon had asked himself if he could return those feelings Sephiroth claimed Cloud had, if it were true. At the time Leon was pretty damn sure that he couldn’t, there was no time for romantic or sexual attraction when there was so much suffering going on and even if that wasn’t the case he thought of Cloud as a friend. A good friend, but a friend nonetheless. He decided, eventually, that he wouldn’t bring it up and if Cloud did he’d just be upfront about it, that he didn’t think it would work out. That he didn’t feel that way, but now...

Well, it turned out that wasn’t true anymore. It turned out he enjoyed having Cloud near him a little too much, he enjoyed watching (admiring) Cloud’s physic a little too much; he wanted to make Cloud happy 24/7. And he had no idea what Cloud would think if he announced this. Had no idea if Sephiroth was telling the truth all those years ago, had no idea if Cloud still felt that way, if he ever did, and he had no idea if Cloud and Tifa were an item.

It was entirely frustrating watching the easy way Tifa could make Cloud smile. It was entirely frustrating being frustrated by someone else making Cloud smile, surely he should be happy that Cloud was happy even if it wasn’t him making him happy. 

He was thinking like a selfish five year old and that was frustrating.

———

Their first kiss, when it would eventually happen, would be desperate. The kind of desperate that wasn’t unlike a man discovering water after days without it. It will be the kind of kiss that destroys all prior thoughts. The kind of kiss that for a second made one feel invincible. The kind of kiss that humbles a person for how precious it is. The kind of kiss that isn’t how they imagined (and God! What they’ve imagined!) yet they’ll both somehow be satisfied with what they have.

It’s the kind of kiss that their closest friends will decry as being years too late. The kind of kiss that would still have those same friends celebrating, because FINALLY, if only to discover that the kiss hadn’t cemented a relationship instantly. That the celebration was premature, because they. Still. Weren’t. Dating! (That would come later, after much deliberation, after many not-so-secret kisses that promised nothing and everything). And for the both of them it would mark something more precious than any of the firsts they shared until this point, instead it would mark a last. 

The last romantic relationship either of them would have, because although it wouldn’t always be happy and although it wouldn’t always be easy. They’d finally got together with the person who they loved and they wanted to spend the rest of their life with them.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you Tennants_midnight_wolf for the proofread- twas greatly appreciated <3


End file.
